Let Me Know Your Heart
Sometimes, it's hard to believe God wants me and just me. I tend to value myself based on my physical achievements of educational degrees, how well I speak, how much money I make, and how well my health is (or lack thereof which can make me feel worthless). Fortunately, my worth is not found in those things. God forbid my house burns down with all my money, degrees, etc., how would I view my self worth then? When I place my worth in temporary things I am blinded to the fact that my worth is actually ETERNAL and PRICELESS. This clarity comes from my personal realization that my identity is found in the ETERNAL GOD. His breath of life flows though my lungs! My blood is embedded with His DNA, therefore my spiritual genes are regenerated and redefined as ROYALTY. So that even when this temporary melanated home goes into the ground and my corruptibility becomes incorruptible, my true worth will forever be displayed in and through God's glory. But until then, I battle with thinking I have to bring my "added-on righteousness" to Him, pretty much trying to remind Him of my worth, trying to show I am worthy of something good; forgetting that He has already included remarkability and wonder in the ingredients of my design.
"Oh, look God! I did this today! Will you still love me? What will my reward be?"
OR
"Oh man, I didn't pray or read the Bible today. God is probably frowning at me this very moment." *Sigh*
I've learned my relationship with God is not always like earthly school. I don't have to go to my Teacher with an apple to ONLY get an A but just because I'm simply looking forward to seeing a smile on His face. At the end of the day God wants me WITHOUT the add-ons, WITHOUT the earthly pride I've set up that others see, WITHOUT the mask I put on at work or anywhere else. He KNOWS I don't have it all together but wants to love me anyway. He actually wants ME- natural. "Flaws" and all. Broken-hearted and all. Hurt and all. Imperfect, messy, gross. I'm not saying I'm only made up of ugly things but sometimes I allow self-doubt to stop me from talking to God or living the abundant life He's created for me.
There's also this underlying fear that drives the thought of, "if I showed others my mess they could possibly run and never return". BUT like a father to a helpless baby, God doesn't run away from my stinky diapers, vomit, or scraped knees. He runs TO my rescue when I cry out to Him! Our Father CLEANS me up! He HOLDS me in His strong arms, & gently rocks me to sleep. Ahh, isn't that comforting? He also beckons and promises me in Matthew 11:28, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I can go to Him with my burdens and He takes them from me in exchange for "rest".
To know that sometimes God doesn't necessarily want to fix me, that He just wants to talk, is a beautiful thing. Through simple communication SO many things that concern me and Him can be addressed. Isn't that amazing? I don't have to pretend or be fake with my Maker. HOW is this possible?! Because God is not like man, His love for me is unconditional. He wants to know my heart.
