Missing In Action
I’ve been MIA (missing in action) when it comes to blogging. I missed it so much but life had me feeling like I should keep my words to myself. Honestly, it wasn’t because I wasn’t getting any motivational/spiritual downloads, what kept me from writing was how hypocritical I felt sharing them. I’ve been waiting for the proverbial “shoe to drop” in regard to understanding everything I’ve been learning. I’ve been looking forward to that feeling of “I get it now” before I returned to share any words of wisdom. But the shoe, so-to-speak, never dropped in the way I expected it to. I realized I’d be waiting indefinitely to “get it”; to be perfect, to finally feel as if I’m ready or worthy of speaking to my peers about living a purpose-driven life. I wanted to present every post as clean cut, well thought out, and worked out.
I didn’t realize I’d be challenged to be so vulnerable.
I’d forgotten that this blog wasn’t my idea but God’s and that aside from God I’d be one of the main characters in each blog post so of course that’d require being open! (That’s kind of a DUH moment. See, sometimes it takes me a while to get things!)
So when I’d be given a revelation, there would be this initial excitement and burst of joy but then I’d pose the question to myself, “How can I share this knowledge if it’s still a struggle for me to live it? That’s not right. I’ll wait until I’m successful in that area to be vulnerable about it,” I told myself. But the thing is, I’m still a work in progress, so much so that it took me a few months to grasp the truth of my imperfection. Yes, I know right from wrong for the most part. Yes, God guides me but guess what! I don’t always do what is right. Having that realization was a blow for me because, I don’t know, it’s nice and easy to think you have it all together until you realize you don’t, until you realize you need God just like everyone else. And nowadays it seems we all want to be viewed as just an individual rather than part of the collective human race. We don’t want to believe that sometimes we’re just like everyone else. It’s nothing to run away from but it’s for us to realize the power in commonality as well as the power of individuality. Hm, topic for another day.
As I was saying, I didn’t realize that a lowly position was something I’ve been trying to avoid but I learned that it’s at rock bottom you realize the only way you can go is up. It’s a dark place to be in (rock bottom) but it’s also where I see how much I need God. It’s in the dark where I’m exposed to the things in my life that cause my spiritual environment to be dark. It’s where I’m reminded of the scripture that says “I will lift up mine eyes to the hills- from whence cometh my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and Earth.” Psalm 121: 1-2. And also of 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 that says, “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;”. These scriptures remind me that even when I find myself in the lowest of valleys, GOD is there with me and He’s the best help I could ever have.
In the dark is where He’s no longer mommy and daddy’s God, no longer a mystical, elusive being in the sky, no more is He this shadowy, slave master figure, but it’s in the dark where He shows himself to be the Light I’m going to continue to need for the rest of my life!
Even on sunny days, His Light will shine brighter and on stormy nights, He’ll still be the moon casting the shine on my stormy seas.
I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning every single day, only by the grace of God. The greatest challenge has been to get over myself and just write what’s on my heart. So, I’m accepting that challenge yet again and more than ready to share what He’s shared with me. I’m taking you on my journey of self-discovery in Christ. Hope you like adventure because it’ll be a bumpy but beautiful ride! ;)
