If I’m Being Honest

This has been the most challenging time of my life. The pandemic, quarantine, civil unrest, political dissension, & working from home has taken a toll on my mental health and personality. My friends and family that have witnessed my “going through” all say I’m strong and I wonder, if they were privy to the thoughts in my mind or the google searches in my phone if they’d still think so. I’ve never felt this much of a longing for real rest as I do now. I love life and living but I’ve told God a few times that He can come now because I don’t feel like I can make it through. Every day He helps me, little by little. I feel like a panting deer that depends on rainfall for daily water and sustenance. Every morning I wake up with a knot of unsettling feelings in the pit of my stomach. I pray and ‘devotion it up’ until I feel strong enough to face a few more hours. Then come the daily tears…hm was it David in the Bible who said his tears have become his meat day and night? That’s me. I’m David. My own appetite has been sketchy lately but I know I can depend on the waterworks to flow.

Loneliness, depression, anxiety, and isolation, or DIAL or LIAD (lol) or LAID 👀- The cocktail that seems to be the daily protein shake I never want to drink but somehow ends up in the pit of my stomach. Most days I feel touch-starved. Like only a good hug or cuddle could get me through. Other times, I patiently await the comforting blanket of night to cover me with..I’m not sure what exactly- but there’s definitely something cozy about nighttime that makes me feel happy, safe & hopeful; daytime feels like a dark enemy while nighttime feels like a sunshiny old friend. Then there are times I crave a warm touch or embrace. I don’t care what anyone says; not being held in a long time truly does something to you. I was never usually big on physical touch until this pandemic hit. If you’re married or have a boo please hold them tight and don’t take them for granted! I know y’all love to give single people advice but that’s my two cents. If y’all didn’t have loving, supportive partners I’m not so certain you’d make it through this time as well as you’ve been. Seriously. The “little” things we take for granted are the same things that keep us and carry us through.

Please keep me in your prayers as I do the same for you. Thank you.