The Struggle

During this year, in the silence and isolation I’ve come across my greatest fears. I now see why solitary confinement is so controversial and why God said it’s not good for man to be alone. Loneliness and aloneness for extended periods of time is something I’ve learned isn’t healthy.

Gosh, as I write this there are tears in my eyes as I remember the emotional struggle its been. The deep searching of my heart and mind that resulted in panic and anxiety attacks. The question “why me?” seemed to always be present along with “why can’t I be happy? I’m so blessed! Why am I facing this weird struggle?” I longed and yearned for healing like never before. Sailing the uncharted waters of mental health became too heavy for my soul. Thank God for my mom, sister, and praying friends who could pray and fast for me when I couldn’t do it for myself.

Sometimes I’d long for eternal rest where I could just sleep it all away but it’d be hard to fall asleep at times so that was another frustration. There were times I felt like “I can’t believe I’m so affected in this way”, I didn’t realize how human I was. I didn’t know how fallible I could be, how weak I could get and how co-dependent I could become. I hated it. I’m ChrisAnn, I’m strong, I have it all together so why is this so hard?

I bought a weighted blanket to cover with sometimes and sometimes the weight would make me feel as if my own was bearable. It made me feel held, like I wasn’t alone.