When you know God hears you but He’s not acting fast enough for you? When your tear-stained pillow meets your tear-soaked face almost every night praying or maybe even begging for change. Yes you’ve seen progress but you want full healing. You wonder and question when you will get it.
In those very desperate moments I’m reminded of Jesus praying “if it be your will, let this cup pass from me” and I hear myself asking for the same thing….but if it’s God’s will for me to struggle in a certain way, I don’t want it. Frankly. I say to Jesus- “I know you’re a healer and I’m grateful for all You’ve done so far but I no longer want the journey of heal-ING, I want to be HEALED. Is there a physical place I can go to to find the same hem of your garment to touch and be made whole? Is there a healing elixir I can drink to take my pain away? I know that at your word I can be a totally different person. So why doesn’t He do it for me? Is it a timing thing? Is it character development? Does He observe my suffering and say YES MY CHILD, IT IS GOOD! Does he glory in my suffering? Is He pleased or is he touched by the feelings of my infirmity? ONLY touched but not moved?
It’s 1:25am and I have work at 6am. I can’t sleep but as I tried the tears just kept flowing. Why am I going through the hardest time of my life? I try to envision my future and think “happy thoughts” but I can’t seem to picture my future without struggle. What’s the point of living if you dread waking up every day? Idk. I just…want to be in a completely different place emotionally and mentally. That’s all I ask.
